SPRINGSTEEN RELEASES NEW SONG“ASBURY PARK, WHAT THE FUCK?”

Asbury Park, NJ – World renowned songwriter Bruce Springsteen unveiled his latest homage to the seaside New Jersey town that was the home to his formative musical years on Tuesday. The track “Asbury Park, What the Fuck?” will be released on an upcoming benefit compilation dubbed Run For Your Life – A Tribute to Asbury Park.

“I’ve always been fond of Asbury Park,” explained the rocker at a boardwalk press conference, his podium covered in graffiti. “Although I admit I don’t come here much anymore, especially after dark.”

Springsteen, who is known for hits such as “Back in the USSR”, “Satisfaction” and “Love in an Elevator”, expressed pride over his New Jersey roots.

“I’ll always have a warm place in my heart for this area,” said the musician, as a gang member pointed a 9 MM revolver to his temple. “I’m not one to forget my roots.”

Springsteen was then bound with duct tape and loaded into his sports car, which quickly sped away.

AREA STONER CAN'T FEEL HIS FEET

Philadelphia, PA – Area marijuana enthusiast Trey Phillips denied feeling his feet for a span of 48 hours, it was revealed earlier today. The claim came after a seven hour bong marathon featuring some “killer high grade kind bud”.

“Man, my feet were, like, totally fucking numb,” said Phillips, still in his pajamas and clutching a box of Ellios’ frozen pizzas. “I was just sittin’ there, watching Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, and then suddenly…blam! My feet were just gone, man. Blam! Like that. Blam.”

“Blam,” he added.

Phillips, a delivery person for Mexi Hut, reported that the loss of sensation carried over through the entire weekend.

“Dude, I couldn’t feel a thing,” said the red eyed youngster. “I mean, I could walk and everything, but it really gives you a gist for how Christopher Reeve must feel.”

“I shit you not,” added Phillips.

When asked to comment further, Phillips replied “What?” before staring at the wall and scratching his balls.

SECRET AGENT DIES SECRET DEATH

Berlin, Germany – Max Steele, a top secret operative for the U.S. government, secretly blew his cover Monday night and was secretly killed.

“We have absolutely no information as to the whereabouts of Mr. Steele,” said a secretive German officer by the name of Gorgon Evilad. “Even if we did, that information would be classified.”

It is rumored that Steele accidentally dropped his secret agent identification in plain view of enemy German agents. Word on the street is that Steele was then secretly shot in the heart, groin and fist, before dying in a stealth-like manner.

The pentagon could neither confirm nor deny the allegations.

9 OUT OF 10 KANGAROOS CAN'T BOX

Outback, Australia – After an extensive research period, scientists have revealed that the boxing prowess of kangaroos has likely been exaggerated.

“This is a shocking day indeed,” said Professor Dilbert Moynahan, a balding, lab coat adorned nerd.

“Evidence points to the unbelievable result that most marsupials can’t dodge a punch worth a shit.”
Moynahan, flanked by a half dozen other experts in the field, spent nearly eight months beating kangaroos about the eyes and snout.

“In the majority of our test encounters, few of the animals punched back and fewer still were found wearing gold or silver trunks,” said the scientist. “These findings go against everything commonly thought about kangaroo behavior.”

Maynahan and his team burst into the public consciousness in 1993, when they revealed that bears do not always ride bikes.

Local kangaroos did not return phone calls seeking comment.

BOB HOPE DRINKS BLOOD OF THE LIVING

Hollywood, CA – Longtime entertainer Bob Hope credits human blood for his ability to cheat death time and time again.

“Blah!” said Hope from a coffin in his Hollywood home during a recent press conference. He then swiped a clawed hand at reporters and hissed.

Historians had long thought orange juice and genetics were responsible for Hope’s inability to die. All theories were smashed last Friday, however, when Hope was seen suckling the crimson throat of a pale faced virgin.

“The suggestion that Bob Hope thirsts for the life nectar of the human race is ludicrous,” said manager Vlad Stroker, who also represents Dick Clark. “He is a pillar of the community who has dedicated the majority of his long, long, long life to serving his fellow man. His aversion to crosses, mirrors and garlic bread have absolutely no relation to these absurd charges, and we plan to fight these allegations to the fullest extent of the law.”

Stroker then turned into a dire wolf and ran into the night.