BLINK 182 CAN'T EVEN DECIDE IF THEY'RE KIDDING ANYMORE

      Hollywood, CA - Teen pop-punk sensations Blink 182, on their fourth world tour in the last three years, can't even tell if they're kidding anymore. The wise-cracking trio, led by co- vocalists Mark Hoppus and Tom DeLonge, gave a press conference yesterday, during which their precarious grip on reality nearly became unteathered.

"Fart, boobies, midget!" screamed Hoppus, his well exposed male member flapping about like a newborn sparrow. " Warped Tour, TRL, spring break!" DeLonge and drummer Travis Barker engaged in a series of Indian burns during the tirade, pausing only briefly to yell for "some more fucking Yoo-Hoo".

The band, an MTV staple known for hits such as "What's My Age Again" and "All The Small Things", was quickly rounded up by major label "handlers" and loaded into a monsterous bus. They were then given crayons.

SMOKEY THE BEAR DIES OF LUNG CANCER

Forestville, WY - In a tragically ironic twist, lovable grizzly Smokey The Bear has died of lung cancer. He was 118.

"This is a saaaaad day indeeeed," said friend and fellow forest dweller Rodney the Squirrel. "We will aaaaall miss you Smooookeyyyyy!"

Smokey became one of the most recognizable figures in television throughout the 1980's with his trademark slogan "Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires". With his everpresent ranger hat firmly in place, Smokey's face graced numerous signs, lunch boxes and t-shirts. Despite the bear's seemingly wholesome image, those closest admit that there was indeed a dark side to Smokey.

"I'll never forget those wild nights," said fellow celebrity Trix the Rabbit. " Smokey was a regular groupie magnet, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. That bear could put away the ladies and bourbon." Rumors of health problems circled Smokey in the late 1990's, although his suspected four packs a day cigarette habit was never proven. Smokey dropped out of the public eye in 2000, making only occasional appearances at parades.

Funeral services will be held on Friday.